Cindabilla’s rejected letter to the editor

a modest proposal jonathan swift

I’ve agreed to post this satire by my sometimes friend, Cindabilla. She says it’s not satire at all, that it’s a letter to the editor of The Village Voter refused on account of length. It is kinda bloated. But she’s insistent and I don’t like to say no. She does not have a Substack, thinks the whole social media thing is a waste, a trap, turns people into numbers, dysfunctional — all that kind of rant. I just smile and nod. When she was young, after  her boyfriend Daniel died in the woods that nite, she claimed to see a dog-man  and later got religion  (so you’ve got to be careful).

It should be noted that I helped her get some of her ideas down, grammatically.  She is a midlife fairly recent nontraditional graduate of Central Maine Community College. Here, in this entry, is her letter to the editor. She asked me to request readers share it around. This I feel is a bit hypocritical. Plus, she thinks I won’t get into trouble for posting it, but she would. I’m not so sure about either.

Dear Editor,

I’d like to make a couple of proposals to aid the Governor in the effort to pass legislation against state-sanctioned elder abuse. Voters might want to consider a new slate of state representatives based on self-identifying old people. Our current representatives are young and strong and mobile, but probably inadequate to the task they’ve been assigned. They seem unable to do what lifetime hard-working taxpayers have set them on the payroll to do. Under this first modest proposal, the old, the frail, those on fixed income, and aging demented people would have the stewardship in matters of law-craft in the State of Maine.

Faithful taxpayers who later slip up owing to poverty, ill health, poor eyesight, disability, pain, decrepitude, complexity-phobia and general oldness are wiser than gridlocked opponents who can’t tell justice for mercy but understand who pays for campaigns as opposed to congressional salaries. Yes, elders may not have all their marbles, but when it comes to updating the language of laws, that may be all for the best. After all, coming from an earlier simpler time, they know how to read and write plainly and actually still have a set of morals.

So voters, give the old folks a chance. Vote them into office. After all your parents are going to be old. Or you yourself may be old someday.

Consider this proposal carefully, as it will not cost much more than we pay our representatives now. In fact, we think the old people are wise enough to live on less, if you want to require that. Because you are the voter of your representative government. What you say goes. On any fair wage you propose for these new elderly representatives they would be able to pay property taxes, and so you would not have to pay for the nursing home or town farm.

My second proposal, is based more closely on Jonathan Swift’s own modest historic proposal for helping the Irish in an earlier age. It would need tweaking to flip his age-requirement in order to be effective. This editorial is already over the word limit, so it might be best for you, powerful voter, to look this up in that encyclopedic online archive.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Modest_Proposal

END of Cindabilla’s letter.

Readers of Do I Like Free Will? please don’t hold this against me.  I’m just doing what Cindabilla asked. She doesn’t sound anything like this in person, btw.